In the second of Mel’s features about the ins and outs of swinging, she looks at the importance of openness, negotiation, and how to prepare for your first meet.

One of the most important things to consider before you and your partner embark on a swinging experience – and one that people often forget – is why you want to swing. People can be drawn to swinging for a number of reasons, including exploring their bisexuality, fulfilling fantasies that their partner wouldn’t or couldn’t help fulfil alone, and expanding a great sex life even further. Other people explore swinging because they feel their sex life needs a boost, and they’re looking for swinging to fix that. If that is the case, then it’s important to realise that swinging won’t fix a stale sex life, and introducing the idea could only make things worse. There are plenty of other ways to put the fire back, using sex toys, role-playing, watching porn, dirty weekends away, and much more. We advise people that, if this is the case with them, and they’ve tried all these things, then some form of relationship counselling, rather than swinging, might be a better avenue to explore.

Rather than focus on the negative, let’s assume you’ve got a great sex life and you want to take it further into the world of swinging. You should already have an idea of what your partner thinks of swinging – if you haven’t, then it might be worth waiting until you know them a little better before considering swinging. Raising the subject can be quite difficult and, if done badly, can produce strong negative feelings in your partner, which I’ll go into later. Luckily, swinging is often featured in the media, so it’s relatively easy to raise the subject: watch one of the many programmes about swinging, and then find out what they think afterwards. If your partner is dead set against it, then drop the subject, as pushing it further might alienate them and harm your relationship.

If your partner is open to the idea, there are various ways of privately exploring each other’s desires. Adam [Mel’s husband] and I used to talk through fantasies while making love. Adam used to whisper in my ear: “Imagine there’s someone else here, is it a man or a woman? What do you want them to do…?” This gave us a simple way of exploring each other’s fantasies. Another great way is to write a story, each partner taking a turn to writing a paragraph, so you both control where the story is going over a period of time. By the time you’ve finished the story you’ll have a really good idea of what each of you want out of swinging. Be aware, though, that this can be a bit of a Pandora’s box; you may want your partner to explore their bi side in a threesome, but at the same time, you might find out that they fantasize about having multiple partners at once. Are you prepared for that?

Successful swinging couples, like other successful couples, are good at communicating with each other and understanding each other’s feelings. These first steps can bring up all sorts of feelings which you need to understand and deal with before moving on. The first is the idea that you don’t love your partner, and that’s why you want sex with someone else. It’s an understandable reaction, which can be countered by the fact that you want to get into swinging with your partner, and explore new sexual activities together. Insecurity can develop further if you keep going on about swinging: the added pressure on your partner may force them to do something they don’t want to do. Some partners feel compelled to try things because they think that their partner will only do it behind their back if they don’t. If either of you feels pressured into swinging, it isn’t going to work, so don’t do it. Another set of feelings to consider is jealousy and envy.

Early on, when Adam and I were playing with another couple at a club, the male of the other couple was using his fingers on my G-spot and I came three times in a row. Up until then, Adam hadn’t been able to find my G-spot (and neither had I). This led to Adam feeling envious and jealous of this man. Afterwards, when we were making love, he asked me to show him what that man had done to make me cum like that. I did, and from his negative experience, Adam was able to take something from it that enriched our own sex life (sometimes, while I’m waiting for the feeling to come back in my legs, I almost wish he hadn’t…)

It’s important to put your relationship first. Adam and I use a saying – “Swinging is an added extra to our sex life, not our main sex life” – which simply puts swinging as one of the things we do, rather than it ruling our sexual relationship. If your partner is open to swinging, then you need to put more effort into your normal sex life, so you partner doesn’t feel like swinging is taking over the bedroom. You need to be supportive of your partner’s feelings and needs; if you haven’t had sex for a week and you go on about swinging when you do, your partner’s going to think that you desire swinging more than them. Invest time in your own sex life first; if you’ve had great sex all week and at the weekend you fantasize about swinging, then your partner is going to know that they’re more important than the swinging.

By this point, you’ll hopefully have explored each other’s fantasies and you should have a reasonable idea about what each of you want to try. You may be looking at the contacts in this magazine, or, on the Internet, you might be visiting online chatrooms like mine. The key to successful swinging is to develop trust in your relationship. This means doing everything together, from looking at possible meets to chatting. Each partner must know everything that’s been said or considered, so both of you have the full facts. If you start to chat online without your partner, they are going to feel excluded, and they’ll start to think that you don’t see their opinion as being important. Their imagination will come up with far worse ideas about what you’re doing than the reality. Remember, swinging is something you do together, so do everything together.

The next step is to start putting things into place for your first meeting. This might sound daunting, but actually it’s quite easy. As I said earlier, you’ve got to put your relationship first, so the first thing to do is make up your rules. These are simply agreements designed to make you and your partner feel comfortable with entering the scene. When we first started, we had four simple rules. The first was “No kissing”, as we wanted to keep something just for us, and we didn’t see kissing as part of sex. Our next rule was “Always in the same room”, your mind can imagine far worse than reality, so we agreed that we would always be able to watch each other having fun, so we knew exactly what had gone on (and it’s a hell of a turn on). Another rule was “Always practice safe sex”, as we didn’t want to risk bring a STI into our relationship. The most important of our rules, though, was: “If either of us decides they don’t want to do it, the other supports that decision, no questions asked”. It didn’t matter whether we’d travelled for hours to a meet, or if we were half way through playing with another couple. If either of us wasn’t happy, the other backed them up. In short: we put our relationship first.

Writing your own rules is quite simple. You each take a sheet of paper and write the things you don’t want to do, or that you don’t want your partner to do. Then combine the lists. It might seem a bit longwinded, but these are the things you need to do to protect your relationship and make your partner feel comfortable with letting others into your relationship. Over time, these rules will whittle down as your confidence and trust in your partner grows. Adam and I are now comfortable with leaving each other for a short while whilst having fun, because we have the trust that we won’t break the rules and will tell each other everything (often while we’re having sex after the meet).

So, once you’ve got your list of rules and you have an idea of how deeply you want to dip your toes into the water, it’s time to start sorting out some of the practical things. First of all, you need to come up with some alternative names for advertising purposes. The majority of swingers use alternative names when arranging a meet and then tell the other couple their real names only once they’ve met up. This is just protecting your relationship and your personal life. Think about it like this; there aren’t many Ian and Jane’s in Wrexham, but if you use alternative names, then you won’t be worried that someone you know will recognise you from your names.

Get an anonymous email account, like Hotmail, and don’t use your real name or home e-mail address, like joebloggs@btinternet.com. Instead, come up with something like horny2some@blah.com. Another benefit of using an online email account is that there’s nothing on your pc for your kids to find, or any risk of someone stumbling on sensitive information when it’s being fixed.

Get yourself a pay-as-you-go mobile just for swinging, and never give out your home number. All these measures will help to protect your identity and your relationship. Some swingers even get cards printed at service stations with these details on, so they can keep in touch with other swingers they’ve met.

Once you’ve got your rules, you know what you want and you’ve done your best to protect your identity, you’re almost ready for your first meet.

Many swingers have their first experience with a friend in a threesome situation. Although it might sound like a good idea to have an encounter with someone you already feel comfortable with, it can have serious drawbacks and, if it turns sour, the fallout can be disastrous. By far the best way to start swinging is to go to a club or party that’s out of your area, thus preserving your anonymity while you decide if this is the scene for you. It is this which we’ll be covering next issue. Have fun and remember, always play safe and practice safe sex.

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Have fun, luv Mel xxx